We've All Heard it Before. Communication is Key!

Yes, I know... We hear it so often that it kinda gets drowned out. Seriously though, communication is soooooo important. It can solve quite a few problems, even ones you didn't know existed.

In my experience, one of the hardest things to talk about and one of the things that doesn't get talked about enough in relationships is sex. How are you going to know what your partner likes and doesn't like if you don't talk about it? How are you going to know that last nights romp in the hay was is good for your partner as it was for you if you don't talk about it? Most importantly, how are you going to know that what you're doing in bed is okay if you don't talk about it with your partner? Here's a little secret not everybody has the same sexual aspirations as others. Your dirty little fantasy might be the one thing that turns your waning sexual activity into a bedroom marathon. But you're never going to know if you don't talk about it.

The next topic is money. Money is the one thing that always needs to be talked about but almost always starts a fight. You need to establish with your partner how money is going to be handled. Straight out the gate you need to establish whether the funds are combined or kept separate and don't deviate from that I must you have a good long conversation and come to the conclusion that it needs to change. For instance: my partner and I have decided that funds are combined in our house. This being the case we discuss every single little purchase. If I'm out shopping and I want to buy myself a coffee, I'll text my partner and ask her if that's alright. If my partner is out and wants to buy a chocolate bar, she'll text me and ask if that's alright. Each month we have a small amount of money, that's almost like an allowance. It sounds kind of cheesy and maybe even a little bit childish but it really does make us think about the purchases that we make. This means that if we want to buy rather extravagant gift for the other person we have to save up for it. This, in turn gives us a little bit of time to find out if the gift that we're giving is actually something that are better half wants. One of the worst feelings I think, is giving your partner gift and then realizing that it's not really something that your partner wanted in the first place. Which leads me to my next topic...

Giving gifts. Yes discuss gifts. At the start of our relationship my partner was forever buying me cut flowers. I love flowers, as long as they're alive. You see the problem here? My all-time favorite gift, is a little care package full of stupid little trinkets from the dollar store. They tickle me to bits. My partner wouldn't know this if I hadn't told them.

Please lay ground rules for arguments. Discuss words that should never be used, neither in anger nor play. Discuss how you vent your anger. My partner needs to walk away when she gets too angry. I need to be left alone for 15 minutes. Also discuss what you need to deal with certain emotions. When I'm happy I am a very touchy-feely kind of person, I like the hugs & I like the kisses. When I'm angry or afraid or grieving and it makes me cry, I need to be just left alone to feel those emotions. Human beings are very emotionally complex creatures. If you don't talk about how to handle those emotions with your partner it's going to make life very difficult. Or at least it has in my experience.

Now I've outlined a lot of really heavy topics right here. But it really is important to talk about everything. Talk about how your day was, talk about your hopes and dreams and aspirations. Talk about your plans for your future and how you see your partner working in. Talk about your favorite chores and your least favorite chores, you never know your partner might love to do the dishes when you hate to do them, and you might love to do the dusting while your partner really does not.

Good communication with your partner, means that you won't never be left wondering where you stand in your relationship. In my opinion that makes all the hard shit in life irrelevant.

You Want Me To WHAT?!?!

When my partner and I first started dating, she asked me if I would go to the doctor and get an STI panel done. I was quite taken aback! I was also hurt and angry that she may not trust me. I didn't speak to her for four days.

I realized during these lonely four days that she wasn't asking me to do this to hurt me or make me mad. She was asking me to do this for my health as well as hers.

It was probably one of the smartest things she's ever asked me to do. I, in turn asked her to get tested as well. She took my request with poise... and a giggle. (Boy didn't I feel silly!)

We went to the doctor together, went in holding hands and asked to get tested. We took turns holding hands as the blood was drawn and it turned out to be the most liberating blood test of my life!

While we waited for the test results to come in, we spent a lot of time talking about what we wanted in our lives. We talked about everything from how we prefer to clean our houses to how we take care of our personal hygiene. 

The night that the results came in, the bedroom became a rather raucous place. For the first time in my life I could enjoy making love, without those little fears niggling at the back of my mind. 

As I lay beside her after round two, I asked myself why I had never done this before.

The moral?

Do your future partner and yourself a favor. Ask them to get tested. If they aren't willing, they aren't worth it. (But don't forget to give them a little bit of time to process your request before deciding this.)

It's Not About Being In Love All the Time.

I have seen it happen too often, people fall out of love and break up immediately. In my experience; UNLESS you are in an abusive relationship, this is a really silly thing to do.

I fall in and out of love with my spouse about 5 times a year. It can be caused by anything. Too much sex, too little. Not enough communication, or too much. Not enough cuddle time, or too much. When I had an "oven" it was caused by my time of the month. Now it's caused by hormone surges or drops. Depression,  messy house, parenting, etc. 

Just because you have fallen out of love with your partner, doesn't mean you don't love them at all. It simply means that the special little spark that makes being in love wonderful has taken a vacation. You may experience a period of not being sexually attracted to your spouse. You may feel stuck. You may find that cuddling them feels suffocating. You may feel annoyed with your partner. Everything they do may drive you nuts. Their little nuances that you once found endearing may seem unbearable. Even the sound of their voice may grate on your nerves. This is perfectly (dare I say it,) normal. Give it a bit, sometimes all it takes is 24 hours apart. Sometimes it takes some serious sit down communication, and sometimes all you gotta do is go on a date! Never underestimate the power of a date. 

Falling out of love happens to every couple (or household if you are poly) eventually. Don't feel bad, or guilty. It is a natural and healthy stage of a relationship. It happens to every type of relationship; friendship, parent/child, siblings, work relationships. Romantic relationships are no exception. Chances are; with a little work and a little patience, you will be back in love in no time. 

NOTE: It can sometimes take up to a couple of months to get that spark back. Don't give up, it really is worth it in the end! If you find that it lasts longer than a month/ month and a half, you may want to seek some couples or individual counselling.  

The Importance of the Kiss.

Kisses, be they long and steamy, short and tender or just a peck on the cheek are an integral part of any romantic relationship. They tell your partner that you feel their pain, you share their joy, they are important to you and above all else that you love them.
My better half and I have a tradition that we keep every day. Each morning we give each other a single kiss. It's usually short and sweet and more like a long peck. We say "Good Morning Baby, I love you forever!" and carry about our day. Each night before we go to sleep, we give each other 3 kisses and say," I love you my sweetheart, I will meet you in my dreams!" We do this NO MATTER WHAT. If we are upset, if we just finished worshiping each other and even if we are annoyed with the other. We also do not leave the house (except in an emergency) without giving the other a kiss.
I am always so shocked by how many of life's problems can be fixed with a simple kiss. Physical pain can be dulled, emotional pain can be completely obliterated, woes and worries can be washed away all by the power of a kiss!
The moral of this rant is: NEVER UNDER ESTIMATE THE POWER OF A KISS! I don't care if you have only been together a week. Don't forget to kiss. If you have been together 20 years. Don't forget to kiss.
And don't forget to embrace your partner while you do so. Even if its a 5 second kiss!

True Love is appreciating the moments, IN the moment.

Too often we let the little moments pass us by. The truth is that we can create romance in almost any situation. Having children and low funds can make those romantic moments seem impossible. 
My spouse and I find and create romance whenever we can. Doing dishes for instance: They have to get done, so we do them together. One of us washes and the other dries and puts away. Every dish I wash, I tell her something I love about her. Every dish she dries, she tells me something she loves about me. Not only does this make you both feel appreciated, it boosts your self esteem. You can make popcorn (or your treat of choice) and turn down the lights. Put on a movie you both love. Voila! Instant movie theatre, without the annoying persons cell phone, the sick persons coughing or the uncomfortable seats that someone somewhere down the line urinated on. You can cuddle up or not as you both wish. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING GUSHY! Just sayin.

True love is a life time of normality, punctuated by moments of intense romance and I'm going to kill you!

As a society that grew up watching and reading happily-ever-after stories, we are led to believe that once we find "the one" life will be all sunshine and roses. This is a load of donkey poo!
It's really about learning how to live your daily life in harmony with another person. So when you find "the one" don't have these super high expectation that things are going to be peachy keen every day, all day. It's just not possible.

About This Blog:

06-13-2013: I have been in a wonderful, loving relationship for 7 years. Our relationship has it's share of ups and downs. Neither of us are perfect. That being said; my spouse and I have a relationship that works. It works well... for us. We are often asked how it is that we have stayed "In Love" for this long (although, in the grand scheme of things, 7 years is a rather short period of time!) This question will be answered in this blog. Please note: All of the opinions expressed in this blog are my own. I do not expect anyone to share these views. I do not intend to change anyone's perceptions or ideas of what love is to them. Please do not leave negative, hateful comments.  Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. I hope you find something useful!
06-18-2013: I changed the title of my blog from True Love: Facts & Myths to True Love Through My Eyes.
Why? I had a thunk (yes, a thunk!) First off, I don't have any P.H.D's or Doctorates or anything of the sort. All I have are my own experiences and observations. Secondly, one persons views on what is fact or myth may be the complete opposite for another.